Undiagnosed

For many years i have struggled with an assortment of personality disorders.
Antisociality, depression and anxiety all plagued me on a daily basis, and still do.

I had often wondered ‘How can one person have so many comorbid conditions?
Am i infact a hypocondriac, perhaps i have no afflictions whatsoever…?
I also noticed that these various conditions were very seasonal.
Some days i had no anxiety, others i had no depression or paranoia, the antisocial element never disappeared, but sometimes lessened enough for me to go out and see someone.

After a series of unsuccessful friendships and relationships, i began to wonder why i was having so much trouble communicating and understanding the needs of others.

My last love so callously gave me the answer i had never known i needed to hear.
Autistic.

While i understand the needs of a human, and associate various physical cues to emotional states, they are NEVER correct.
People seem wonderful and real until i spend time with them, which usually results in me getting enough information about them to satisfy my desire for their companionship forever.

Going misdiagnosed for my entire 25 years has created huge amounts of incorrect associations, and misleading preconceptions that severely impact my ability to socialize, where as once, before i had the self-awareness to gauge other’s responses, i operated free and took them at their word.

People have lied to me consistently, just to prevent me having an emotional meltdown or getting into an argument when i perceived a logical flaw in their premise.
This has caused me to lose trust in people, as to this day i take people at their word, no matter how many red flags are waving in my face.

I love so many, but can never speak to them again for fear of falling right back into the web of lies they will automatically begin to weave upon reacquainting with me.

To feel this.
Trapped inside an external space.
Free to go wherever i please, but never to do anything.

My life is the equivalent of an RPG, with an enormous, graphically-intense gameworld, but no NPCs, no quests, no storyline or activators.
Every person i approach says the same pre-programmed lines of dialogue. Less characters than simple actors.

Logic prevents me from adhering to belief systems like religion, and whimsy prevents me from adhering to logical conclusions as the only way.

For as logic dictates i shall not pass my genes along to another.
I would wish this curse on no-one, least of all my offspring.

To live, unfulfilled in a world with no meaningful interactions, for no biological purpose.

I never thought to stop and access my aspirations before committing my devotion to them.
For me, they are a morally-objectionable pipedream.

To validate my own existence at the cost of those who will succeed me?
How could i doom my own children to live a life of disconnection as i have.
To constantly be berated and dismissed as ‘stupid’ by their peers, and devalued by every person of authority for a lack of ‘social awareness’?

I cannot.

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