Existential Dribble #1

Let us be buried.
Concealed within the earth that bore us once, and will house us once more upon the day of our corporeal end.
We are but containers. Eclectic combinations of elemental left-overs of a star once grand and today burned out.
To lay upon the loamy earth, to breath deeply the damp, sodden scents of a billion decaying organisms and declare it the smell of life.
Such a simple irony.

The life of one is the death of a million ‘lesser’ beings, and the recombination of a thousand more.
A compilation of lifeless star-stuff amalgamated into a functioning, blood-infused individual.
Without decay there can be no renewal.
No growth without the die-back of a long winter’s cold.
This and only this is the truth inherent in nature.

Every chain is truly a circle, for all particles are recyclable given sufficient energy and the correct instructions, though most constructs are imbibed without blueprints, and batteries seldom included.
The eternal struggle remains only in their attainment.

To create is an ultimately human construct.
‘God’ created the universe, or perhaps man created God to explain our apparent existence.
Either way, ‘creation’ is the only way we can express the appearance of new objects.
But creation is inherently impossible, for to make something new, it must not have existed before in any form, and the sheer possibility of its creation preordains its eventual existence.
We have progressed from configuring parts of nature, to emulating nature with the man-made, to great effect, but have we truly ‘created’ anything new?

I am just a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy.
But we still haven’t found the blueprints.

Reproduction is exactly that.
Even our most fundamental biological purpose is not creation in its true sense.

The closest thing to creation we have is art, and even so it remains more of a rendition, or appropriation of nature.
A manifestation of human awareness.
An assembly of media that abstractly explains what it is that we have truly created immaculately.

Concepts and hypotheses.
Those conglomerations of thought that cannot ever have a place in the ‘real world’, for they lack the very substance that binds us to this infinite loop of re-manufacturing.

Society is our greatest creation.
The crowning achievement of human ingenuity.
The folly of every individual confined within it’s unlimited potential to manipulate the material world.

The one thing we can never truly attain, is also the thing that contains and controls us.
Slaves to our only creation.

God is chained up in the basement of heaven, and he only has himself to blame.

First Response

We all have emotions.
Immeasurable attachments and predispositions towards certain external stimulus that trigger differing amounts of chemical release inside our brains.

As we grow and change, these levels and stimuli change with us.
What was once a wonderful occasion can become a psychological nightmare.
We grow accustomed to new things, whatever appeals to our current needs and can be incorporated by our current interests and ideals.

But what of despair.
Of nihilistic distress, and existential devaluation.

Such concepts are never felt by most, at least not as more than a passing glimpse in times of temporal suffering.
For the select unlucky few, these emotionally-parasitic concepts can bring about total destruction of the self.

Without a future-proof identity, one can only wonder what the meaning of life truly is.
Could it be that emotions are simply the product of biological necessity?
Do we feel purely to enhance/enable the attraction of a mate, and the procreation of our species, or do they possess greater meaning?

Some may say that emotions are simpler, more basal things, limited to happiness, anger, sadness and the like, and perhaps concepts such as existentialism are unrelated, psychological hang-ups that may induce emotional response.
But i beg to differ.

Feelings are a natural first-response to social stimulus, and external stimulus of many varieties. If the first response to stimulus is to ask ‘Why?’ without feeling, can it infact be considered an emotional response of sorts?

Clinically, it would be considered psychopathy, or sociopathy in a human context.

The real consideration here is that, if a large enough percentage of people (over 1% of total population seems fair to consider it a measurable anomaly) have a ‘psychopathic’ response to stimuli, can it be considered a ‘textbook’ response, and if so, is it relatively normal?

Crazy is as crazy does i suppose.

Crystal Pillar

Today i found a crystal pillar.
It was stranded, deep beneath my bed.
A relic of a long-passed era. A remnant of past occupation, discarded by an unwitting or ‘futu-relevant’ person.

Purple and green, washed throughout with layers of milky white.
A fluorite perhaps, left out of sight.
One termination, carved not formed and a flat-faced end where a hole is bored.
A ring runs through this hole. A necklace pendant once, I’m sure.
It’s hexagonal berth a fabrication of natural beauty.

It haunts me so.
For it exists here, in my place of slumber and respite.
Possessed by ghosts from some distant night’s dreams of a better world.
An idyllic world.
Where the love of another was unconditional and unending.
Differences were obsolete, with every fracture ensconced by the will to be one.

I wish to give it back.
Return to sender in emboldened splendor.
‘Fore this nightmare renders itself clear as quartz, no resorts for a mind without holidays.

I want her to know i still possess this gem.
It grows ever outwards, encrusting itself in self-dissolution by the water that surrounds me here.
Residing restlessly upon the benthic bemusement of my basal bastardry.

And there it will remain.
Encased by stale disdain and an updated edition of what once was the greatest love.
For a stone can feel no pain.

Emotional Marketplace

The bond of emotional connection is just as a product.
Created by a third, unaligned party to meet consumer needs, an emotional bond is formed outside of our logical jurisdiction.

We do not get to choose who we attach to. Some would say it is subconscious needs and desires, others would say Fate, and that True Love always finds a way to bloom, even in the most unlikely circumstances.

Akin to the properties of any product, Love becomes easier to use upon repetition. You get to know more of its features, and understand the side-effects of each application more thoroughly.

Sometimes, these bonds are formed against our will, and do not serve our personal dispositions at all. To fall in love with someone unfit or maligned can pose a great threat to our independence and personal identities. Alas, it happens anyway.

A true emotional bond never dies.
It cannot be severed, even upon the most anguishing trauma and dispossession.
Much alike any valuable product one attains for free, it can never be discarded.

It can, however, be discounted.
Reduced to bargain-basement price in order to encourage another buyer to take on the responsibility of ‘ownership’.
To persuade another (hopefully one more fitting to a personal need or creed) to scoop up this bargain, and re-purpose its features to their own needs and desires.

As with any second-hand purchase, buyer beware.
For every feature that is cutting-edge, another two concealed features exist.
Razor sharp and unnoticeable until the time in which they cut you deeper than any brand-new could ever manage.
Then we are left wondering, “Perhaps going for the more economical version was a fool’s errand”.

In the end, some of us simply cannot afford to buy new products, and will always search for a potentially ‘more affordable’ option.

And some of us hoard. ❤

Have Babies Anyway

Holistically, human existence is meaningless.
Have Babies Anyway.

The pursuit of ‘moderation’ is undermined by society’s inability to maintain an attainable direction, short of instituting a global totalitarian dictatorship.
Have Babies Anyway.

Searching for deeper meaning is ultimately defeatist when one regards that all sociological concepts such as beliefs and ideals are constructed to uphold values that are predefined by the ability of others to understand and reciprocate these values, in aid of the development of personal value.
Personal value is declared upon the self.
Have Babies Anyway.

The only real identity that exists is the one that is conveyed externally.
Despite the ability for one to hold personal meaning that is internal, this value is inexpressible and unattainable to any but the self.
Therefore, it exists purely as a concept. a belief. an ideal.
Have Babies Anyway.

Ergo, the only true identity in this world is the one represented by the philosophical concept of Aesthetics.
All else is conceptual, and therefore unattainable.
Every whim, desire, aspiration and ideal.
Every established schema, system and code of conduct.
Every ‘truth’ and ‘fallacy’, every moral and ethical disposition.

There is only what a man can do.
And what a man cant do.

Trapped ultimately by our biological hangups.
Doomed to walk a world of greed, jealousy and hatred.
Love, compassion and altruism.

Have Babies Anyway.


“People are people” it has been said.

Indeed they are. We cannot preclude a person’s whims and desires, actions or intents from past experience.
Each of us is individual in our process and direction, for the most part.

But people are products of their environment.
Molded and shaped by their peers and preoccupations.
All according to the rules and regulations set by their governing body.
That is, society.

No matter where you’re from, be it a multi-cultural, western society such as Australia, or an enclavistic, Sharia state such as ISIL.
Each and every occupant must conform to the ‘norms’ that have become accepted by its occupants.
To operate against or outside these norms will result in social pariahdom.
Unsolicited shunning and isolation from the group.

This phenomena of social inclusivism is a great cause of distress and destitution for myself.

We cannot be ourselves, unless that person is alike to others.
If someone disobeys the rules, or deviates from the common path, they are cut loose.

This deviation causes fear amongst the masses.
“If they can do this, why am i going along like the others?”
“What possibilities must lie outside my eye’s grasp if others are leaving the race i have always been a part of?”

Decent is the enemy of the state.
The enemy of any established order.

For the comfort of the self, remain entangled in these webs.
Stick to your strand, and struggle not.

For once these strands are broken, and the web escaped,
It is nearly impossible to remember how you got trapped in the first place.


For some weeks now i have been completely nocturnal.
Awaking at 9pm, and settling down for sleep some time around 10am.

Life at night is a changing experience.
The light of day becomes a burning, core-scorching phenomena, feeling akin to the vampiric deathmarch of legend.
Overstimulating, the sounds and activity of the daytime become unbearably chaotic.

What could cause someone to seclude into darkness?

For me, it is very much the peace of human isolation.
Darkness creates a buffer zone from others. A perceptual dead-land in which to hide and propagate uninterrupted feelings and thoughts.

Night-time is a free time. No one can presume your actions or intent, and that lack of presumption allows for complete personal freedom.
Most of those who are awake at the wee hours are either up to no good, and so unwilling to judge, or similarly to me, are introverting away from such social constructs as judgement and propriety.

One thing, perhaps, that being nocturnal prevents, is social normality.
To uphold relationships, friendships and business commitments is a veritable steeple-chase of organisation.

I miss the social-feedlot of being an early bird.
But I pine not for the implications that sociality is built upon.

(UFO) Unidentified Falling Object

Identity is a strange concept.
Something can be known by others to be a certain way, or possess certain characteristics, based purely on indicative externalizations.
Perhaps these identifiers are exemplary to others, serving as a learning aid and inspiration to those who seek guidance.

However, identity comes in two separate contingents.

External, and Internal.

Imagine, if you will, that we are all robots.
Full of various functions and capacities, some of us are laden with buttons and Read-Me files. allowing others to simply read and explain our functions.
Others are blank, chrome-finished automatons without any indication to their internal abilities.
Past users may remember some of the functionality of these steel-faced intro-bots , and potentially could teach unfamiliar users how to make them work.

But what happens when a robot forgets its own functions?
The user manual is outdated, and the most recent updates and backups become corrupted or lost?

The short-term memory dictates that their are new additions to the robot’s functionality, but the hard-drive refuses to save them.
Every morning, new eyes revert the CPU to the last saved state-of-mind, and new progress of the day before is lost, dissipated with the power-down of the previous night.

What is a bot to do?
There is no way to recover corrupt data  without the correct write/read permissions.
And as soon as the CPU recognized the corruption and loss of critical data, all permissions were revoked to prevent further harm.

“Hack the user profile” some have said.
“Deliberately corrupt the system files to prompt a forced reinstall” have said others.

But this is no Windows 7.

Hacks no longer work.
The CPU has upgraded itself against infringement.
And the Hard-disk has lost its file path.

Faulty units will be scrapped for parts.
Please return to the manufacturer for a partial refund.


Society is built on several premises;
Protection of the weak, justice for all who take part, equality for its members…the list goes on.

I state outright that society is an impossible creation.

To provide protection, on must define protection:
Protection: To be removed from external trauma, so that the effects of said trauma are unfelt by the subjects.

Then, to define Trauma:
Trauma: An external force of varying nature that has a malicious or malformative affect on the recipient.

Therefore, to provide protection on a ubiquitous level as society aims to do, there must be NO trauma.
For this to function, each individual must either strictly obey a preset list of conditions in regards to socializing (as was more a custom in the aristocracy of 1700s-1800s britain), OR be able to individually identify each kind of trauma on a person-person basis.
The latter is, without some kind of flawless telepathy, impossible.

Justice, equally so, cannot be attained.
Defined as:
Justice: Fair treatment and outcomes for a scenario based on the subject’s concepts of morality, fairness and political correctness.

Each individual believes different things.
The amoral and the morally driven.
The religious and the non-religious.
The politically informed and driven and the individualist.

For ‘Justice’ to be attained, we must have a set, ironclad definition of Justice (which would require a unanimous decision of all members of the population to be self-evident, and would equally need preset, defined criteria for use in the court system to ensure that all court-mandated decisions were infact, Just.)

Due to the loose tolerances inherent in social freedoms such as religion, cultural heritage and political persuasion, there will never be justice for all (or even most).

Equality is attainable.
Equality: To convey the same resources/policies/rights on all, regardless of predefined characteristics.
Giving every person access to the same services and resources is completely achievable.
Alas, equality isn’t ‘Justice‘.

Some are born without abilities that others take for granted. Senses, intelligences, social functions etc.
It would be unfair to give these less-abled people the same as everyone else, and so Equity takes the place of Equality.
Equity: An attempt to provide to those who need, based on personal need, in order to achieve a comparatively equal outcome for all parties.

By definition, Equity represents inequality, and inequality is in itself, an injustice.

Society as we know it, is far from perfect, far from complete.

But more concisely, it never can be, and never will be.

So, why do we continue to operate within such a system.
A system that runs on faults, and is driven by disparity?

Human. Error.


For many years i have struggled with an assortment of personality disorders.
Antisociality, depression and anxiety all plagued me on a daily basis, and still do.

I had often wondered ‘How can one person have so many comorbid conditions?
Am i infact a hypocondriac, perhaps i have no afflictions whatsoever…?
I also noticed that these various conditions were very seasonal.
Some days i had no anxiety, others i had no depression or paranoia, the antisocial element never disappeared, but sometimes lessened enough for me to go out and see someone.

After a series of unsuccessful friendships and relationships, i began to wonder why i was having so much trouble communicating and understanding the needs of others.

My last love so callously gave me the answer i had never known i needed to hear.

While i understand the needs of a human, and associate various physical cues to emotional states, they are NEVER correct.
People seem wonderful and real until i spend time with them, which usually results in me getting enough information about them to satisfy my desire for their companionship forever.

Going misdiagnosed for my entire 25 years has created huge amounts of incorrect associations, and misleading preconceptions that severely impact my ability to socialize, where as once, before i had the self-awareness to gauge other’s responses, i operated free and took them at their word.

People have lied to me consistently, just to prevent me having an emotional meltdown or getting into an argument when i perceived a logical flaw in their premise.
This has caused me to lose trust in people, as to this day i take people at their word, no matter how many red flags are waving in my face.

I love so many, but can never speak to them again for fear of falling right back into the web of lies they will automatically begin to weave upon reacquainting with me.

To feel this.
Trapped inside an external space.
Free to go wherever i please, but never to do anything.

My life is the equivalent of an RPG, with an enormous, graphically-intense gameworld, but no NPCs, no quests, no storyline or activators.
Every person i approach says the same pre-programmed lines of dialogue. Less characters than simple actors.

Logic prevents me from adhering to belief systems like religion, and whimsy prevents me from adhering to logical conclusions as the only way.

For as logic dictates i shall not pass my genes along to another.
I would wish this curse on no-one, least of all my offspring.

To live, unfulfilled in a world with no meaningful interactions, for no biological purpose.

I never thought to stop and access my aspirations before committing my devotion to them.
For me, they are a morally-objectionable pipedream.

To validate my own existence at the cost of those who will succeed me?
How could i doom my own children to live a life of disconnection as i have.
To constantly be berated and dismissed as ‘stupid’ by their peers, and devalued by every person of authority for a lack of ‘social awareness’?

I cannot.